The Projection Wound of Leadership

One of the hardest parts of leadership, the part no one warns you about

is what it feels like when someone projects their unmetabolised shame onto you.

You can have the clearest containers.

The safest space.

Transparent agreements.

A solid grievance process.

The cleanest integrity you know how to hold.

And still…

Someone will use your public space as the place to collapse their shame.

And even when you know it isn’t about you,

your body still reacts.

The sting.

The shock.

The drop in your stomach.

The quiet grief of being turned into someone’s villain

in a space you built for healing.

Because here’s the part no one tells you:

Understanding projection doesn’t protect you from its impact.

Leaders feel it.

Every. Single. Time.

What’s blindsided me this year isn’t conflict

it’s when people bypass the relational structures I’ve created

and go straight to public judgement.

Not naming their hurt.

Not reaching out.

Not choosing repair.

Just…

shame discharged outward,

aimed at the closest regulated nervous system in the room.

And leaders are often that system.

Not because we’ve done something wrong,

but because we’re available.

Steady.

Visible.

Safe enough to collapse against.

Shame always looks for somewhere to land.

And when someone hasn’t learned to feel it,

they hand it to the person who feels most grounded.

Leadership doesn’t make you immune to this.

It makes you a magnet for it.

The real work isn’t “not taking it personally.”

The real work is staying connected to yourself while it stings.

It’s remembering:

• “I can feel this and not collapse.”

• “I can be impacted without being defined by it.”

• “I can stay soft without making myself a target.”

Leadership is not about being unshakeable.

It’s about what you return to

after you’ve been shaken.

Because projection hurts

even when you understand it.

Even when you see the pattern.

Even when you can name the shame underneath.

And that doesn’t make you a weak leader.

It makes you a human leader.

And human leadership is the only kind that heals anything.