What Happens when Women Say No

One of the hardest parts of learning to stop fawning is what happens after you say no.

I said no to a man in a café yesterday. He asked if he could sit at our table. I said no, we're having a private conversation. He replied: "Well there's nowhere else for me to sit." Immediately making his discomfort my problem.

A past version of me would have folded right there. Said sure. Made space and swallowed the no before it even reached my mouth.

Yesterday I didn't.

He found another seat. And then I felt it — the heat on the back of my neck, my heart rate lifting, my nervous system sharpening. I turned slightly and he was glaring straight at me.

This man was angry with me for saying no.

I leaned toward my friend and said quietly: that's a man who can't receive a no. And that makes him unsafe because if he can't receive a no about a café seat, what else can't he receive a no about?

This is the part nobody talks about when women stop fawning. Your body doesn't relax when the moment passes. It stays alert and it tracks.

When I walked out I checked behind me, more than once, just to make sure he wasn't following me.

There is always a cost when you stop managing male comfort. Yesterday I paid it anyway.