Our Biology is Wired For Connection

If you’ve been struggling with using self-regulation tools to overcome nervous system dysregulation and emotional challenges then this post is for YOU.

If you don’t already have a baseline of resilience in your nervous system then self-regulation in isolation can feel nearly impossible or even retraumatizing.

Why?

Well, many of us don’t have the essential neurological wiring for self-regulation that gets developed during our infancy because our caregivers failed to provide the repeated experiences of warmth, empathy and responsiveness that bring us down from a state of distress.

During close and safe connection, oxytocin, the hormone of connection, is released, and it plays a central role in promoting feelings of safety and attachment, whilst also regulating the primary stress hormone, cortisol.

If this experience of co-regulation was regularly repeated whilst we were infants we were literally able to practise feeling regulated and safe. Without this foundation of co-regulation we learned to grow up feeling disconnected and overwhelmed by our emotions, as our nervous systems weren’t taught how to self-soothe.

So when we tell people that they just need to “self-regulate”, and should be able to manage everything alone, we can reinforce the sense of inadequacy or isolation that they may already feel, deepening emotional wounds which can be especially damaging to those who need that connection to reestablish a sense of internal stability.

Healing from a lack of co-regulation often requires finding spaces and relationships where we can be emotionally held and seen. Through these connections, the nervous system can experience the soothing it missed, helping develop self-regulation skills over time. This healing is relational and often can’t happen in isolation, instead it’s about allowing ourselves to feel secure, loved, and understood by others, which in turn, helps us build inner resilience.

So if your practices of self-regulation don’t really dial your distress all the way back down to zero it’s highly likely that you need the medicine of connection.

While in-person co-regulation with another warm presence may be preferable for some, the good news is that our nervous systems can also resonate in online spaces, allowing us to co-regulate by sharing self-soothing practices together.

Remember this, our biology is wired for connection.